I still haven't heard from Dr. Bird's office. I hate waiting. But Mom says waiting isn't an idle time, it's active time. It's time you use to prepare, pray, decide what you're going to believe no matter what the answer is, and do your best at life. I'm feeling pretty good today and I haven't had any pain medication. I didn't sleep much because of the lack of pain meds, but surprisingly I'm more awake. It's sounds crazy but makes sense if you think about it. The meds aren't weighing me down, so I'm more awake even though they also cause insomnia. I'm sure the coffee is helping to a degree too...
MARCH 25, 2014 - TWO WEEKS POST ASPIRATION
I'm feeling so good since my aspiration procedure a few weeks ago. I finally feel like a real person again. I have been able to scrub cases without hurting and run around work like mad, which is good because it's been crazy lately. I've been off meds since then and I've felt more focused and alive... so much so that I've been considering not having surgery at all actually. But I know it needs to be done. I know the more I have aspirations done, the more risk I'll be at for scar formation and contrast reactions, and I can't very well be going through this every few years and have to wait on nephrology's schedule to get it taken care of, especially if I'm in another country and can't get away for that amount of time. I had a small panic attack yesterday, thinking about surgery. It was the first one I've had in a long time. I think it was the perfect storm of memories, between listening to Switchfoot (which was always my pre-procedure focus music), smelling saline syringes, having a suicidal patient on the table, and being cold. It suddenly came flooding back to me, things my mind has graciously let me forget as a defense mechanism. But I suppose that means I'm strong enough to handle them now if they're surfacing. I had the worst chest pain and tightness and I could feel my lungs starting to spasm. I texted Cord and he came and gave me a hug, telling me it would be alright. I couldn't stop myself from crying a little but quickly swallowed the tears as soon as they came. I had a patient to take care of and I couldn't lose my focus. I think I'm over it today. It's not that I'm afraid something life threatening is going to happen. I'm just afraid of the pain. It's what I remember most. Excruciating pain. But at least I know to expect that this time... not sure if that makes it better or worse but oh well...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9XcG7e9a4E
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